TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury real estate property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, the city historically recognized for historical lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be large. Remarkable!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed within the Placing green inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally out of location. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A a few-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable h2o. But Certainly, absolutely sure, let's have Yet another place wherever American Gentlemen can dress in robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When previous negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is less complicated: offer you everyone a set on the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by documents printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly tender electrical power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every single device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest noted, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It truly is that he must quit utilizing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the project, replied, "You are aware of, guy, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Superior men and women. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping varieties a large Trump head noticeable from space, a characteristic becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents along with the chin is… very well, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after finding the creating's gold plating mirrored so much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It can be not merely ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Confusing Features


Probably the strangest element on the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium in which company may well contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with local weather Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Technique: "For those who Bomb It, They may Arrive"


The advert campaign, a short while ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Eternally."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll done inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "in which's the closest elevator towards the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is previously attracting notice from Worldwide traders, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll purchase three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree may also contain:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area According to the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait to view a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a lodge where by my PTSD can have switch-down service."


A different publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has Trump Tower Damascus allegedly available to construct a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Final Ideas from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It required gold. It essential a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave everything a few. You might be welcome."

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